When it comes to death, dying and grief issues, many of us have a difficult time.  This only seems to be compounded when we have to deal with grief reactions in our children. A thing to keep in mind regarding young children is that they learn how to cope with nearly all life circumstances by watching and imitating others. When children encounter a new situation, they look to adults or older children to see how they react. If the only time a child sees an adult address the issue of grief is during the immediate emotional crisis of a death, then the child may learn to be afraid of death based upon the adults

One way a parent can help a child learn about death, dying and grief, outside of crisis situations, is to visit cemeteries around Memorial and Veteran’s Day holidays. Take time to visit the graves of family members and retell to your children the stories about this loved one and what they meant to you. It is perfectly fine to shed a few tears in the presence of your children.  By doing so, you are demonstrating that people can cry in a good way, too.

A couple of months ago, I took my two kids for a drive and we wound up at the old family cemetery. We walked around the tombstones, read people’s names, talked about why we bury people in the ground, looked at small tombstones and “really, really, really BIG ones” (Aaron-speak). We eventually arrived at the row of Quicksalls, and I read to them the names of their ancestors. Aaron connected many of the names with family photos and stories we have shared with him in recent months, and he seemed to express that he was comfortable with knowing where these people were that we talk about from time to time. What was nice about the experience was that we addressed the issues surrounding death from a non-emotional standpoint, which at the ripe old age of three and a half, Aaron has used in conversation with us when the topic of death has come up. (04/11/2000)

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