How often do you and your spouse actually plan activities that will help to make your marriage better in the coming year? My guess is not many of you. My experience is that the vast majority of couples simply wander through life and marriage hoping it will be better without making a conscious effort to do anything to actually make it better. 

The State of Illinois tells me that to keep my license to practice Clinical Social Work, I must attend a minimum of 30 hours of continuing education training every two years for the purpose of improving my therapy skills and abilities. As a result, I think about the areas of my practice where I am lacking in knowledge or skills and areas that I want to master more and more, and then I choose workshops, seminars, and conferences that fall into those categories.

As each of us look to the future of our marriages, why not go out for coffee with your spouse and generate a list of the areas in your marriage where you are lacking and the areas you want to master. For example, maybe your communication skills aren't quite where they out to be, or you never seem to agree on how to discipline the children, or maybe you feel embarrassed because you don't know how to dance at all of the wedding receptions you attend each year. Write down your list of areas for improvement or mastery, pick out the top three areas you want to work on and prioritize them.

Next to each area, brainstorm different things you could do to help you grow as a couple. If communication is one of your areas, you might brainstorm such things (1) as reading a book together on marital communication, (2) setting aside a weekly time to practice talking and listening, (3) meeting with a counselor to help you assess your communication patterns, styles, and practices, and (4) spend time with other couples who communicate well and discuss with your spouse what each of you noticed about the other couple's communication patterns. 

Don't try to fix every problem you have over the next year. Focus on improving two or three particular problem areas, and then when you make progress add another area from your original list. Then, next year go out for dinner and review the progress you made over this past year, celebrate your success, and make a new list for this coming year. Corporate America calls this an annual strategic planning meeting, and you and your spouse can have one too! (01/02/2000)