When one of you makes a mistake and hurts your spouse, don’t fall into the trap of giving him or her something romantic to make up for the mistake. This will unknowingly damage your relationship in several ways.

• First, it trivializes the mistake by reducing it to monetary status. By giving a romantic gift, you might be actually saying....

  • “I know I said some real hurtful things in that fight last night, so here is a $5.00 bouquet of flowers to make up for it. Yep, five bucks ought to do it. We’re even now, right?” 

• Second, if we say “I’m sorry about last night” when we make the romantic gesture, we are distracting our spouse from the apology with the gesture rather than dealing with what we did wrong and the need for confession and forgiveness. 

• Third, when we pair up the emotional leftovers of a mistake with a romantic gesture we are unknowingly tainting all future romance with the question “All right, what did he do this time?”

So, what’s a guy or gal to do when they have messed up? Simply follow this 5 step process: 

• First, recognize the fact that what you did hurt your spouse. 

• Second, feel sincere remorse in your heart for what you did.

• Third, approach your spouse in a situation with few distractions when he/she is ready to listen to you.

• Fourth, confess what you did that hurt your spouse and express your remorse about the act.

• Fifth, ask your spouse to forgive you for what you did. If you did something particularly hurtful or if your spouse struggles with forgiveness, you might ask what you can do to help him/her forgive you. 

Then, when forgiveness has been offered you are free to be romantic in a healthy way. (03/13/2000)

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